If at first, second, third, forth, fifth, sixth, seventh you don't succeed, try try again...

What is the saying? If you fall off the horse it is best to get right back on? Or something like to that effect? Yeah... about that...

In 2002 I was dating this beautiful man, Jason. (Turned out to be insane - quite literally, but that is a story for another time.) I mean seriously - he was beautiful. He was in the Air Force and was all muscles and abs and perfectness. And he wanted me. He pursued me. He repeatedly asked me out and I repeatedly said no because really - he was gorgeous and I was a chubster who thought he was playing a joke on me. Turns out he wasn't and we did fall in love and did talk of what would be our glorious future and shopped for "the" ring. The day I turned 21, May 15th, was the same day he was leaving for 6 weeks in Texas for some military training stuff. I decided that day I was going to march my 198 pound butt to Weight Watchers and surprise him when he returned. I lost 16 pounds while he was gone and was feeling pretty hot when he got back. He was so proud of me and after returning was nothing but the most supportive boyfriend a girl could dream of. He would cook me meals and could rattle off the points for everything - it was kind of awesome. When our relationship imploded after 14 months I was about 170ish pounds.

Stubborn as all get out I was not going to let what happened with him stop me from reaching my goal weight of 142 pounds.

I was about 155 when I found my rebound guy - Mr. Wrong... Mr. Totally Obnoxious... Mr. Really not THAT attractive... naturally I fell in "love." I remember showing him a picture of me at 198 pounds and asked him if he would have dated me then. He quickly said no. That should have been my first clue. While dating Captain Nasty I got down to my goal weight of 142 pounds. Fell in to a deep depression, guided by him. Graduated from College. Moved home. Thought about killing myself to the point of sitting with some pills. Started getting HELP in that department. Lost down to 131 pounds. Found my first job. Then quickly dumped Captain Asshat.

Being as that I wasn't good at being alone I quickly started dating a guy from work. He was young, funny, spontaneous, flirty, pretty cute and really liked me. Great combo, no? He was also skinnier than skinny. Seriously - it was downright obnoxious. (6'1" and 145 pounds - he had to TRY to gain weight. Ass.) We dated for a little over a year and during that time my weight yo-yoed between 135 and 150 pounds. I also realized something dating him... I need to stop living the relationship worrying about what I could do for them and start focusing on what a man could do for me.

Que would-be HUSBAND! He is wonderful and supportive and has loved me at the 138 pounds I was when we started dating and at the 250 or so pounds I was when we got pregnant with each of our kids. And now he loves me at the 231 pounds I am since having our daughter. God Love Him, right? I tell him so often - thank you for loving me and all my jiggles... he of course scoffs at me and tells me how beautiful I am. I was 170 pounds when I walked down the aisle and since 2006 have steadily put on more and more and more and more weight. Weight I vowed would never come again when I was my sexy 131-pound self. Yup - that didn't set me up for failure or anything. Also since 2006 I have restarted Weight Watchers (I'm a lifetime member) no less than 6 times. Maybe more. Each time I am all motivated and I lose 10 pounds and I quit.

So now I sit here... part of me wants to rejoin the world of points... I KNOW it works... I've done it. But the other - larger - fat girl - junk food loving - fast food salavating part of me just keep saying - you will fail. You always fail. Why waste the money when - seriously - you are going to fail. The question really comes down to... why? The answer escapes me now, but I have to find the answer if I ever hope to overcome the insecurities of it all.

I have to do better. And I will.