A simple word, right? A simple word that has been resonating deep within me lately and now is reaching the boiling point where it wants to burst out of my chest. I'm 30 years old. The first 30 years have been filled with joy and heartache, soaring highs and very low lows. The desire for perfection and the constant reality that I've fallen short time and time again. Or did I?
Maybe the truth is I need a more healthy perspective. So often I live my life "all or nothing" ... "black or white" ... "good or bad." Not being happy to find that middle, the "some" or "grey" or "okay."
I am (was) either the best girlfriend a boy could ask for or I a sucky single girl.
I am either as thin as I can manage or the fat girl with no hope to reach a goal weight.
I am either the best mother to my children or I'm the mother who leaves much to be desired outside her overwhelming love for her children.
I am either the wife my husband deserves/needs/wants or I'm a selfish bitch who takes without giving.
And so on and so forth...
For so long I have lived my life to please others... in little ways and in big ways so often. Trying to fill the void in other people's lives that have been left by people in their life. Never really realizing the huge void in my own that desperately needed to be filled.
The times I did get a glimmer of the void I tried filling it with... sadly I never filled it with the good stuff. Rather I lost myself in food or boys or a new hobby. Never really getting down to the nitty gritty details. Never really looking for the cause.
Even now - my (our) life revolves around our children. Is that wrong? Not necessarily, but there needs to be a little revolving around myself and around my marriage. Thankfully my husband agrees. Our children are the biggest blessings we can imagine, but that doesn't mean we forget about the "ME" and "US" that started the road to children. Sounds selfish, right? I think so too. But a better Lindsey and a better Nathan will do nothing but great things for our kids.
With all that said - and probably more to be rehashed and scrutinized and thought through I start down this road. Thankful to be walking down it both by myself and with my husband. The road, you ask? Oh that would be the road to living our lives better. What does that mean? Many things we already know and even more we don't. It does not mean perfection and I need to remember that. It means living daily in ways to better our lives.
So here we go............ wish me luck!